Although the care system can attract some unsavoury folk, the reality is that this is a huge and very complex care system and the majority of people working within that system have a good heart and do care. However the level of understanding we see is often very low. This lack of understanding leads to poor decisions, poor responses and further trauma. Even with a heart of gold and the best will in the world people can cause harm unintentionally, simply through not understanding how we feel and how it is in our shoes. When we are children we can’t articulate what we feel into words adults can understand. As we walk our path in care we carry huge burdens on our shoulders which can be hard for even us to understand.
Often these complicated and confusing feelings come out in our behaviours and sadly the adults caring for us and trying to support us can find it very difficult to look beyond those behaviours, they often miss they real message beneath that façade. We can’t tell children to just calm down and to always speak clearly, we can’t tell them not to be angry or upset, we can’t stop them expressing themselves, nor should we. What we can do though is help carers and social workers by given them understanding. Sharing our stories helps them see past the behaviours that they are presented with, it helps them see that it is not personal. Many children grow up in this system silenced by their own trauma, they want to say “don’t’ leave me” but what comes out is often something like “f*** off I hate you”. It is hard for carers to understand that although that child is pushing them away, all they want is for that person to stay… forever.
By the time these children transition into adulthood and start to understand themselves and get to a place where they can articulate what they feel they have left the system and everything they have ever learned seems lost. It is of paramount importance that care leavers share what they have learned. If we don’t, how can anyone ever learn? How will anything ever change.
For too long this care system has been a conveyer belt where children and young people feel like Amazon packages, unpacked, rejected and sent back. We can attack the system or we can help it to be better. To change the system we must change how people think, we must support them.